


Four Days

by TheMoreLovingOne



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 16:50:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15271941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMoreLovingOne/pseuds/TheMoreLovingOne
Summary: Tumblr prompt "I haven't showered in four days."Janis comes to the rescue when Evan has bad anxiety for several days. Pulling him out of it is easy. What isn't easy is realizing that they might share feelings for the same person.





	Four Days

History was a total drag. Logically, Janis knew the importance of learning about the past. If you knew about the disastrous stuff that had happened before you were born, it could help you better your society and not make mistakes. But in reality, Janis knew what was in the books wasn’t the whole story, and she knew that with the shit state of the world right now, she could afford to be on her phone during class.   
  
Another thing she knew was that kindness was the most important thing in her arsenal. So when Evan’s name popped up with the words “I haven’t showered in four days…” she was up right away. Making a flimsy excuse about the bathroom, she grabbed her bag. She passed the bathroom. And she kept on walking, out the door, into the light, and across town until she was at Evan’s house.

She walked in like she owned the place, which she kinda did. Heidi had given her her own key for fuck’s sake. Not that they ever really locked the door. She could hear the unending creaking of Evan’s bed, an old hand me down that got a workout from his anxious twitching.

“Evan?” she called. It was a ritual for them. She’d say his name before she got to him so he had a minute to gather his thoughts. It was easier for her to help him when he could communicate just clearly enough. She paused outside his door.

“C-C-Come i-in.”

The door opened easily beneath her touch and she kicked off her boots. Evan didn’t like shoes in his room. It worsened his anxiety. Germs and stuff. She didn’t get it but she loved him and she didn’t question it. He smiled at her weakly, gratefully. Her heart ached to see him.

His hair was greasy and frizzy, and he looked grimy. Like he’d been in the same pajamas for days. She’d known something was up when he hadn’t come to school, but he hadn’t texted their SOS word (watermelon) so she’d waited to ask. He needed that sometimes. A little space. She did too and that was something she could understand. But it was clearly worse than she thought. She slipped over and sat on his bed.

“Ev,” she began, making her voice as gentle as possible. Evan cringed slightly. He was sweating and she could see how tense he was. She gently lifted her hand, asking him silently if it was alright. He nodded and she pressed her palm against his arm. He always told her she had cold hands. He kind of relaxed under her for a moment, before stiffening again.

“I-I-I’m s-sorry.”

“Ev. It’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry about. Listen. I’m glad you messaged me. We’ll get through this together.” She reached under his mattress, pulling out a worn copy of Where The Wild Things Are. It would be important momentarily. But for the moment, she grabbed his hands gently.

“Here…” she said, running them against his soft bedspread. He splayed his fingers against the fabric, releasing a small whimper. She made a soft sound and held them there.

“Five things you see,” she prompted. Evan whined again, forcing his head up. His eyes were swollen and slightly wet. He had cried recently. Her heart panged for him. He hesitated and she repeated herself.

“You…” he said. She smiled.

“Good. What else? This is your room. This is your space. What do you see?”

“Blue. Blue everywhere…. Pictures of mom. Plates. God it’s a mess Janis I-”

“No. Nonono. Ev. Shhhh. It’s fixable. Everything is fixable. What else do you see? One more.”

“....Water bottle?” he said, making it sound like a question. Color was coming back to him already. His breathing was still rough but a little easier. It would be unnoticable to anyone but him.

“Yes. Yes! Good. You’re doing so good. Okay. Four things you hear. What’s there?”

“Fan. Your voice. My legs… shaking the bed… Sorry… Um…” He paused, closing his eyes. “Birds. Outside. In my trees.”

“Yes. Your trees. Your space. You’re safe. You’re doing so well. Three things you feel.”

“Blankets. Soft. Sweat on my forehead… The headboard behind me.”

“Two things you can smell. You’re almost done. I love you. We’re almost done.”

“Gross. Smells gross. And… paint. You smell like paint.”

“Yeah, I do don’t I?” she asked. He smiled, the tiniest fraction. His breathing was almost back to normal. He was twitching, but slower, less mad. She could see him coming back to her, little by little. “And the last one. One good thing about yourself.”

This was always the hardest one for him. He struggled so hard and it broke her heart. But he’d get there. He always did.

“I… I don’t- Janis-”

“It’s okay.” She took his hands again, holding them. “You’re okay. One thing.”

“I… I love my mom. I love her so much. I’m getting better. I’m making her proud.”

“Yes. Good. So good. Do you want some fresh water?” she asked. He nodded, wiping the leftover tears off his face. She grabbed his bottle and slipped into the bathroom across the hall. A quick rinse and the coldest water she could get out of the tap, and she was back by his side. He took it gratefully and drank a few big gulps.

She picked up the book and started reading it. By the time she was done he was back. He had stopped shaking and he looked almost back to normal. His eyes were closed, and he was holding his water bottle like a doll. It was almost empty. She cleared her throat and Evan opened his eyes and sat up.

“When was the last time you ate anything?” she asked. He screwed his face up.

“I don’t know…” he admitted. Janis nodded, taking stock of the situation.

“Okay, we’ll eat. Is there anything you want?” she asked. He shrugged. She nodded again.

“How about a cupcake?” she asked. She knew a girl at school. Brooke Lohst. She made the best cupcakes in the entire universe. And the school was close to a McDonalds. She could send her an order and pay her when she got back…

And it would give her a chance to see her. She barely got to, but when she did… The blonde’s smile and soft hair ruined her. Made her heart ache. She’d had feelings for at least a month. Not that she would act upon them at this time, it’d be shitty if she did. But she could trust her with this.

“Cupcake?” Evan asked.

“Yeah. And McDonalds. You know they cure everything right?”

“Are you going to get it? I don’t… Please don’t leave.”

“I’m not going to leave. I promise. I have a friend. She bakes. She can come with the food. And she can leave as soon as she drops it off if you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with. And I trust her. I trust her with this.”

“...Okay.” Evan said, laying back against his headboard. “...I gave you a chance to skip History, huh?” he joked weakly. Janis laughed.

“Yeah. Little bit.” They’d had each other’s schedules memorized since they met. Janis so she could meet up with him, look after him. Evan so he could find her if he needed her. Or if she needed him.

Janis texted Brooke quickly, telling her what she needed. Brooke sent her back an affirmative heart emoji and the number 20. She had twenty minutes then.

“Okay, Ev, Brooke will be here in twenty minutes. Do you feel up to showering?” she asked. Evan paused, then nodded, standing. He really was grimy.

“...Will you stay in the bathroom?” he asked.

“Course.” She followed him across the landing and waited for him to get in, giving him his privacy, before sitting just inside the door. He didn’t talk, and she didn’t feel the need to fill the silence. He just wanted her there, and that was okay. She wanted to be there. For him.

When he was finished, she moved away from the door and gave him his privacy again. To keep herself busy, she refilled his water bottle again and brought it back to him. He looked infinitely better and she hugged him. He hugged her back, resting his head on her shoulder for a minute, letting her hold him.

“So, do you wanna talk about it?” she asked. He shrugged, but led the way back to his room and rummaged under his pillow, pulling out a crumpled letter. He passed it to Janis wordlessly and she scanned it quickly. As she did she got more and more furious. Her blood boiled and her hands gripped the paper so tight her knuckles turned white.

How fucking dare he? How fucking dare he.

_ Dear Evan, _

_ I know I have a lot to explain and make up for. I know I haven’t been around. I want to make it better. Enclosed is my phone number. Sorry for how short this is. I’d rather do this face to face. _

_ Love, Dad _

What the fuck? Six sentences? After you abandon your son? What the  _ fuck?! _

“Evan, I’m so sorry…” Janis said, looking up at him. He was biting his lip but he hadn’t started panicking again so she felt okay to talk about it.

“It’s okay… Not your fault. I just don’t know what to do, Janis.” He screwed up his face and rubbed his temples.

“You don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe him anything. You are so wonderful and amazing and if you decide to want to know him on your own terms, then that’s fine, but if you don’t? That’s also fine. You deserve to be comfortable and decide what makes you happy, whether that includes him or not.”

“He just… He left. And I’ve had to grow up my whole life not knowing what a father was like or what a normal family was life. I was alone at my bar mitzvah. Every Hanukkah I light the candles by myself because mom is too busy because he LEFT. I’m always going to be broken and it’s his fault…” Evan clenched his fists and buried his face in them. Janis hugged him again, tighter, letting him hold on as tight as he needed.

“You’re not broken, Evan. You are just… God you’re fucking wonderful. You’re having a hard time but that’s okay. That’s normal. Not everyone can be happy and perfect all the time. It’s like my mom says, ‘If you were happy everyday you’d be a game show host.’ You don’t have to be this perfect person or whatever, you’re just you and that is worth so much more than you think. Your dad, your donor, whatever the fuck he is, he may have affected you and you’re right he had an impact on who you are. BUT. You are more than that. You’re the sum of all of your experiences and all of your experiences have led to you being the raddest fucking nerd I’ve ever met, okay?” She paused for breath, looking at him determinedly. She was about the same height as him, taller in her boots. “You deserve so much more and if I could somehow go back in time and knock some sense into him, I would. But I can’t, and you are more important to me than your anxiety, then the things in your life that haven’t been perfect. Those things don’t even matter to me except for the fact that they make up you and I love you. I love you for you.”

“I don’t know what to do…” he said again. Janis shook her head, pressing her forehead against his.

“You don’t have to. But whatever you do decide to do, I’ll be there with you every step of the way. And you have time to think about it.”

“Janis… You take the letter. The number. I’ll tell you when I’m ready but I don’t wanna do anything rash. Okay?”

“Course Ev.” She pulled away gently and put it in her bag, just as the doorbell rang below.

“That’ll be Brooke,” she said. Evan looked nervous again but he nodded, letting Janis grab his hand and lead him downstairs. She let Brooke in, smiling at her.

“Hiya,” Brooke said, hugging her just long enough for Janis to get a smell of her vanilla lotion and melt a little.

“Hey,” she replied. Brooke smiled at her, flashing the tiniest trace of her dimples, before looking at Evan.

“Hey. Evan right? I’m Brooke.”

“That’s Evan,” he said. Immediately his eyes widened. “I mean, I’m Evan. That’s me. I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” she asked, so sincerely that Evan himself stopped and let the subject go. Janis grabbed some paper plates from the cupboard and set them down on the small table in the Hansen’s kitchen. Brooke followed suit, checking the text that said who had what. From her backpack she pulled a small yellow container with daisies on it and took out some fresh chocolate cupcakes with blue icing and small chocolate trees on them.

Evan was stunned.

“Where’d you get these? The trees are amazing, they look like they actually have bark!”

“I made them in Home Ec today. Janis told me you liked trees.” Brooke shrugged happily, opening her box of nuggets.

Janis stared at her, her face flushed. She had remembered. Not just things about her, but about Evan who she’d never even met before? She really loved this girl. Who else would do that? Who else would ditch school to help a friend help said person she didn't know. Fuck.

She looked at Evan and was surprised when she saw a familiar twinkle in his eye. He’d had it freshman year looking at Zoe. And now he had it looking at the only girl in high school she’d ever loved.

Fuck.

“Trees are… so cool. So many different kinds. The orchard in town has so many and I like to do leaf pressings, and Janis and I go in the fall and have picnics, and those Little Debbie brownies shaped like leaves…” Evan was rambling helplessly, and Brooke was nodding along, blue eyes wide and interested. Janis had seen that look on her before. Usually directed at her. She had thought it was special. She hadn’t considered that she did that with everybody. She flinched internally but on the outside she was as cool as usual.

“I love fall flavors, pumpkin and spices and stuff. I do all the Thanksgiving and Christmas desserts at my house,” Brooke said. “It’s my favorite season.”

“Mine too,” Evan replied, tearing into his McChicken. Janis stared down at her burger for a moment, trying to calm down. Evan had just gotten a distressing letter and was coming out of a four day panic. What was she going to do, pull him aside and tell him to lay off someone who wasn’t even her girlfriend and had no idea she had feelings for? Yeah right. She wasn’t a shitty friend. But God it hurt to not be able to say anything.

She knew if she said something to Evan he wouldn’t even consider going after her. He’d been telling Janis for years how much she needed a girlfriend and how much he wanted her to be happy being herself. That made this hurt even worse. She couldn’t do that to him, not after seeing the look on his face. She knew that Evan felt invisible to, well. Everyone but her and Connor Murphy, really. And to have a girl bring him his favorite McDonald’s order and cupcakes specifically tailored to him? That was practically unthinkable with his anxiety.

He just looked so goddamn happy. She had basically organized her own demise.

“Janis?” Brooke asked, touching her hand to get her attention. Whereas Janis’s hands were cold, Brooke’s were warm and soft.

“Huh?” Janis asked, forcing herself out of her head and back into the world around them.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to get together-”

God yes she did.

“-and study for French together? I can make those chocolate-chili brownies you liked. Heavy on the chili.” She smiled, oblivious to the flip-flopping in Janis’s heart and her soft lips curved so naturally and Janis just wanted to kiss her, right then and there.

But she didn't.

And she wouldn’t.

And she couldn’t.

“Yeah, sure. Whenever you want, just let me know.”

At least she had this. Whatever she could get. After all, Brooke didn't owe her anything. She was beautiful and kind and all Janis wanted but that was on her. Brooke hadn’t led her on or done anything wrong and even if she and Evan did get together, what was she going to do? Nothing, that’s what. They both deserved to be happy.

...Even if that was without her.

“I haven’t showered in four days,” he’d said. But you couldn’t tell it from how he looked now. Like he’d stepped out from the shadows and into the sun. And she was sat on the other side, somehow on the outside, already feeling her heart shielding itself from the inevitable break.


End file.
